Forgiveness or the Irony of Vengeance
In this week’s article, I wanted to continue the theme that I’ve been exploring over the past five weeks in regard to cleaning up the wreckage of our poor choices and behavior, only from the opposite perspective: that of the person who has been wronged (the ‘wreckee’). I was going to begin with a sort of theoretical expose explaining what goes on in the mental, emotional, and spiritual background of someone who sees her- or himself wronged (‘disrespected’ or ‘injured’). Then I saw a comment left on one of my articles (“Writing Out the Pain”) on another of my blogs: Midlife Matters, by a fellow named Richard. You can find his comment here: http://midlifemaster.net/2010/02/writing-out-the-pain/#comment-562. With apologies to Richard, his comments can serve as a powerful example to all of us of the temptations that we all face when dealing with life’s vagaries.
Forgiveness is a skill that requires lifelong study and practice to gain any sort of proficiency at all; and yet it is the one and only skill that will infallibly determine whether we experience our existence as a triumph or a tragedy. Since the emergence of human consciousness, people have gone to incredible lengths to discover the so-called ‘secret of (a happy) life’, yet the ‘secret’ is perfectly simple and perfectly obvious to those who have the spiritual eyes to see it: forgiveness. On the surface, it seems way too simple, like the prophet Elisha telling Na’aman the Syran general to wash in the Jordan to cure his leprosy. Yet developing this one little skill plumbs the very spiritual depths of the person who we think we are.
When we feel wronged, what are our choices? In fact, we are faced with only two choices: to forgive; or to exact vengeance. The course of action you choose to pursue will tell you a great deal about yourself: your self image and your beliefs about who you are and your relationship to the world in which you live. If you take nothing else whatever away from this article, I’d like you to consider deeply this one point: forgiveness (or the lack thereof) is all about you and never about anyone else or any external situation.
When you choose to deflect the focus off what’s going on in you, you practice avoidance. This happens when you are too fearful to look inside yourself and to critique the basic belief systems you’re holding on to that make you feel victimized. You are not a victim; you never were a victim; it’s impossible for you ever to be a victim. Sadly, your deepest insecurities (and you’re not alone in this) get in the way of your seeing yourself as the invulnerable spiritual being that you really are.
At this point, I’d like to recommend that (if you haven’t already done so) you spend a year following the 365 exercises in the workbook accompanying the book, A Course in Miracles. The Course teaches many things, but, if I were to distill it down to its essence, I’d have to say that the core message of the Course lies in its understanding of the nature of forgiveness. It’s not something that you can get simply by reading about it. Head knowledge is great, but insufficient. Forgiveness is a skill that requires much practice to develop mastery.
So, let’s say you feel that you’ve been wronged. What then? Once you acknowledge that someone (or something) has hurt you, you have the option of taking your anger out on someone or something. This is what I’ll call the vengeance option. You’ve been hurt, so you want to hurt someone back. How many times have you become enraged and allowed your rage to overcome you? What’s going on with that? Your fearful ego has told you that you’ve been injured and that someone else is responsible for that. You feel the overwhelming need to set things right by “evening the score” and inflicting an equal or greater wound on the other. So long as you feel wounded and believe that the other is responsible for your misfortune, you’ll cling, if not to a desire for outright vengeance, then at least a seething resentment that we call “holding a grudge.”
All you really want to do is stop the pain, and, without a spiritual perspective, you may strike out either at another, or at yourself. Do you drink at your problems? If alcohol or drugs are your first line of defense against pain, there’s a very good chance you may be an addict. People who are not addicted to numbing behaviors do not employ them as their first line of defense/offense. In addition, these self-destructive approaches to dealing with the pain of being wounded are also inhibition deadening. They allow us to do (dysfunctional) things that we would not otherwise do if we were not under their influence. And, once the numbness has worn off, what remains is a searing pain of guilt and shame far worse than the original pain experienced from the (supposed) offense. Addictive behavior is truly self-destructive. That is something that our friend Richard must take a deep, hard look at: why has he chosen the bottle as his first response? If addiction is in play, then, until the addictive behavior has been adequately addressed and dealt with, forgiveness cannot happen. Addictive responses always hurt you.
Whether you choose to get even or to hold a grudge, refusing to forgive another locks you in a prison of your own creation with no possibility of parole. Please consider this Zen Buddhist story for the insight contained within it:
An old monk and a young monk were walking a long distance when they came to a stream. On the bank was a very beautiful young woman wearing a rich and fabulously expensive sari. The woman was weeping. “Why are you weeping?” asked the old monk.
“Because I must cross this stream to attend my favorite uncle’s funeral, but, if I do, I will ruin my best sari,” she replied.
“Here,” said the old monk, “Climb on my back and I will carry you across.” The woman did as he suggested, and the monk set her gently down on the other side. The two monks continued on in silence for a long tim.
“Father,” said the young monk, finally breaking their silence. “I need to ask you a question. How could you, with your vow of celibacy, not only speak to a woman, but even allow her to touch you and to carry her on your back?”
“My son,” said the old monk, “you have much to learn. I put her down beside the stream; you are carrying her still.”
Such, also, is the nature of vengeance. It is truly ironic, because, in your attempts to get back at the one who ‘injured’ you, it is yourself who becomes fixated on the event, very often long after the other has forgotten about it entirely. Whenever you seek to punish another, it is always yourself who is hurt the most. Withholding your forgiveness is a sin, rightly enough, but a sin against your own holiness and perfection. Truly, no one can hurt you without your permission, and, furthermore, you do that very thing to yourself whenever you choose vengeance. Look at the damage that Richard has caused to and for himself by his dysfunctional belief in the power of vengeance.
The refusal of forgiveness always stems from a mistaken belief about yourself: you believe that you have been hurt and that you are a victim. This is a false and self-destructive belief. In fact, regardless of what has happened (and regardless of what it feels like), you have not been injured. In fact, you cannot be injured! Forgiveness — that is, letting go of the pain — is simply an acknowledgement that nothing has happened. Can you wrap your mind around that fact? Spiritually, you are invulnerable! Even if you were to loose your reputation, your livlihood, your freedom, your health or even your life at the hands of another, your essence as an inviolable human being, beloved of God (however you may conceive of God), remains untouched. Your only duty, when faced with this kind of pain, is to ask yourself, “What is my lesson in all this?” Only then, rather than embracing self-destructive and self-defeating beliefs, will you be free to grow and deepen your spiritual awareness.
Which approach do you take to the pain? Which do you want to take from here on out? What do you have to do today to make that happen?
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown
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